How Not To Die On Holiday
- KEBarlow
- 3 days ago
- 9 min read
We’ve all seen them, the tourists who seem to forget that real life doesn’t stop just because they’re somewhere with palm trees and cheap cocktails. Suddenly, common sense vanishes along with the sunscreen. People who’d never dream of breaking a law at home are now leaping off balconies, riding mopeds in swimwear, and thinking, “It’ll be fine.” Spoiler: it’s not always fine.
You’re still mortal on holiday. If anything, you’re more vulnerable: there are unfamiliar roads, intense sun, language barriers, and after a few too many mojitos? Just remember, being on holiday is not a free pass to act like physics, gravity, and consequences don’t exist. These aren’t just your Mum’s travel-safe tips; it’s basic how to stay safe on holiday without totally killing the vibe!
So buckle up, buttercup; here’s our unfiltered (practically) seen-it-all take on how to keep yourself (and your dignity) intact and your holiday stories firmly as ‘fun memories’ rather than cringeworthy cautionary tales!
Mopeds: Cute, Convenient… and Kinda Lethal
We get it. Pretty much no matter where you’re dropped on earth, mopeds are everywhere; they’re cheap, and you feel very Eat, Pray, Love zipping through sun-drenched streets. But here’s the truth: mopeds are one of the top causes of holiday injuries, especially for tourists with no helmet, no experience, and absolutely no idea. (In the spirit of fairness, we did once drive past a man transporting his ladder (arm through rung) by moped in Portugal, so no…not always tourists doing crazy s**t).
Please wear a helmet. Even if it flattens your hair. Even if you think it makes you look weird and your cheeks all chipmunky. And don’t ride shirtless in shorts and flip-flops; one wrong move and you’ll be learning how much skin your thighs used to have. That stuff just burns right off. I’ve seen the aftermath on people who live here in Ibiza, who should know better. It. Aint. Pretty. Oh, and two people on one bike, weaving through traffic like it’s Mario Kart? Maybe not the best call.
Booze, Drugs & Darwin Awards
A bit of holiday tipple? Absolutely. A WHOLE DAY drinking booze mixed with whatever questionables and a midnight balcony stunt? That’s a hard no.
Every single year, multiple young people here on holiday fall from their balconies. Let’s be honest: while they were sitting by the pool having a drink, laughing and chatting with their mates, they wouldn’t in their wildest imagination have thought that was how their day was going to end. Who wakes up and thinks “You know, I think I’ll get spannered today, do something idiotic and then die.” Er? No one, no one thinks that, still happens though.
Every year, so many people fall from balconies, drown, get arrested, or worse, all because they took things too far. Add heat, dehydration, unfamiliar surroundings, and poor decision-making into the mix, and you’ve got the perfect cocktail for disaster.
Also: beware of counterfeit alcohol; yes, it exists, and yes, people die from being poisoned by it, and don’t ever assume your drink is safe just because you’re in a “nice” place. Spiking is still very real. Be cautious. Be smart. (You can buy drink testing strips from Amazon or elsewhere to discreetly test your drinks if you are worried!)
Don’t Be a Water Wally
The sea is stunning. But it’s also wild and unpredictable and definitely not your friend. We’ve seen it first-hand: people jumping from jetties onto rocks that have moved since yesterday, smashing their faces in or breaking an ankle. Rip currents, you have no idea are there. Waves that knock you flat, debris in the water after a storm. I live on the beach; I see what is washed up after a storm: massive planks of wood with nails sticking out, broken-up pallets, empty plastic petrol canisters, and that’s the nice bits.
It’s on that basis alone you will NEVER see me getting in the sea here when it's all “exciting” and wavy just after the bad weather; I know what’s floating about in there and I definitely don’t fancy getting knocked out in the sea by a rogue plank. And don’t even get me started on jellyfish…. jeepers, they can sting!
Basic rules of not dying in water:
Don’t jump unless you know exactly what’s below.
Don’t swim alone or drunk.
Don’t ignore warning flags.
Don’t assume calm water = safe water.
And absolutely DO NOT get in the water when there’s a storm; you are literally toying with death. Seriously.
Eat Adventurously — But Not Stupidly
Food is one of the best things about travelling, but it can also be a fast track to… let’s just say you won’t be straying far from the bathroom.
Some quick survival tips:
Eat where the locals eat, not the empty tourist trap with the guy yelling at you to come inside. Come on, just how fresh do you think their food is with next to zero customers?
If you’re in a country with sketchy tap water, don’t drink it; watch out for the ice and think about what may have been washed in it- the salad perhaps? Possibly not that healthy a choice if you think about it!
Be wary of super cheap booze. That “rum” might not be rum; it might be counterfeit booze, so basically poison.
Check if you need travel vaccinations: Hepatitis A, Typhoid, Malaria, etc. And get them!
The goal is to eat and drink your way through the country, not have the country’s bacteria eat their way through you. Gross!
Travel Insurance Is Not Optional. Seriously.
It’s not sexy. It’s not exciting. But travel/health insurance is the thing that could save your bacon if something goes seriously wrong.
Let’s be honest: most people don’t think about insurance until they need it. At which point it’s too late.
Whether it’s a broken ankle, stolen bag, emergency surgery or being airlifted back home, a solid policy is peace of mind. Look for something that covers your age. Do you have any pre-existing illnesses? If you’re going adventuring, maybe look for someone who specialises in that and covers activities. Do they offer search-and-rescue and repatriation if things get really messy? Do your homework and go for a comprehensive cover; let’s face it, it’s Sods Law that the very thing you need will be the one thing you didn’t cover! Do you really want your mates to be setting up a GoFundMe?
Use Your Brain, Not Just Your Phone
You know what’s not helpful when you’re lost in a dodgy part of town at night? A dead phone battery and zero sense of direction.
Be aware of your surroundings. Look up. Not everything can be solved with Google Maps.
Tips:
Keep your essentials close- think crossbody bag, not your back pocket.
Don’t wander distracted while glued to your phone.
Let someone know where you’re going if heading out alone. Make sure you carry a portable phone charger with you, as we always tell our kids (it’s pretty much the family mantra) — it’s better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
Seriously consider downloading an app like what3words. It works worldwide in 60 languages. It works if you are totally offline and have no cell connection. It’s actually great to use for all sorts of things, meeting up, finding where you’re staying, etc. However, it could save you in an emergency. When you think of the number of people who have wandered off the beaten track and got lost, even died from exposure, an app like this could have led local emergency services straight to them. So just download it; it won’t kill you, but it definitely could save your life.
And for the love of flip-flops, don’t follow strangers to “another party just up the road.”
Scams, Sketchy Situations & Stranger Danger
Holiday mode can dull your spidey senses. “Everyone’s friendly!” until someone “accidentally” spills something on you and their mate lifts your phone. Or the classic here on the beach? They’re dressed like holidaymakers; they look like holidaymakers; they’re wandering up and down the beach, and I can tell you they are watching you and your stuff.
You wander off to the sea, or fall asleep, and they swipe your bag, fast and casual. It is not their first rodeo… that day even. They normally have a mate waiting on a moped, and they are gone, and you are left to wonder how you are going to cancel your cards, replace your passport, access your money, etc. It is awful to witness the utter despair and hurt of someone it’s just happened to. As I said, I live on one small beach on one small island, and it is a daily occurrence. Can you imagine the scale of it over the whole island, the whole of the Balearics? Never mind where you’re visiting! Pickpockets and thieving ba****ds in the summer season are a plague. Protect yourself.
Also, be aware of who is watching you. Especially if you are older or vulnerable. Thieves are operating who will happily spend their day watching you. Where you're going, what you're doing, and where you may be staying. This is especially the case if they notice you wearing something of high value, like a Rolex. They will wait till you are away from people and approach you from behind, knocking you to the floor, and will rip it clean off you with zero consideration for your well-being. Keep your wits about you and your eyes peeled, and if you can, always travel about with someone.
Other popular scams to watch for in high tourist areas:
The “bracelet trick.”
Usually happens near major tourist sites (Sagrada Familia, Eiffel Tower, Las Ramblas, etc). Someone friendly-looking approaches you with a smile and a bracelet, often a woven friendship bracelet or a piece of string. Before you can say no, they’ll physically grab your wrist and start tying it on you, talking all friendly and telling you it’s a gift, “for good luck” or “for peace.” Once it’s tied on, they instantly change their tone; it’s not really a gift. They demand payment, and they can get aggressive, block your way, or their friends can surround you to intimidate you into paying.
The scam: It’s intimidation! They force a “gift” on you, then demand cash. They expect you to refuse; it’s all a distraction tactic! While you’re arguing or getting flustered, their mates might be picking your pockets.
The “petition” peeps
A group of young people with clipboards approach you near tourist sites. They act like they’re collecting signatures for a worthy-sounding cause.
They’ll smile sweetly and ask you to sign. While you’re distracted filling in the fake petition, their friends pick your pockets or perhaps demand a “donation” once you’ve signed, often pressuring you while surrounding you.
The scam: A total distraction technique to steal wallets, phones, etc. Even if they don’t pickpocket you, they’ll aggressively hassle you for money for their fake charity.
Stay polite, but firm. A clear “no” and walking away is your best defence. You don’t need to be paranoid — just prepared.
Other things to look out for? Overly helpful ‘locals’ who insist on walking you to your hotel, and especially unlicensed taxis. Make sure you know what car you are getting in to!
Bonus Round: Things You’ll Be Glad You Took
Bumbag/riñonera: Keeps your valuables in front of you. (and are ‘cool’ again, I remember these things first time around!)
First aid kit: Even just plasters, antiseptic wipes, and a few meds. (and a copy of any prescriptions you take)
Portable charger: Because a dead phone in an emergency is a nightmare.
Offline maps & emergency numbers: Not always glamorous, but very useful.
Copy of your passport: In case yours gets lost or stolen.
One Final Tip? Activate your “Find my Phone” settings on everything. AirTag your stuff even. We met a family moments after somebody had swiped their bag on the beach. Nobody saw it happen; it was that quick, and they were dumbstruck/gutted, everything! The bag had 3 iPhones in it, their AirPods, all sorts!
However, their young daughter had the “Find my iPhone” activated on her phone; they managed to flag down a police car and explain what had happened. The Police took them to where it said her phone was, and in the next town along, sitting right there was her bag on the back seat of a random hire car! The Police towed the car, and when we spoke to the family, they were returning to the police station that afternoon to retrieve their things. OMG, to have been a fly on the wall when that thief got their comeuppance! So yay for a happy ending! And… give yourself a fighting chance if your stuff gets stolen, eh?
Final Thoughts:
No one wants to think about the worst-case scenario on holiday. But planning doesn’t ruin the fun; it gives you the freedom to enjoy it properly.
So go. Be wild. Explore new cities. Swim in beautiful seas. Drink that local wine. But be smart. Be safe. Don’t end up in a foreign ER with a confused nurse and no backup; don’t end up passport-less and moneyless and most of all, don’t end up dead!
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